The Lord has recently revealed to me the importance of tears and how necessary it is to cry unashamedly.

When I joined my community, Apostoli Viae, and started attending the Saturday formation meetings, I often found myself in tears. However, I kept these tears to myself. The truth of the matter was that I hated to cry. Crying for me told me that something was wrong and I was in possible danger or an unsafe situation. Crying told me nothing was okay.

But it started to change slowly. Crying through the Saturday meetings wasn’t because I was unsafe or in any danger. It was because I finally found a home, and in this home, pain, and trauma were recognized and acknowledged. In this home, safety and boundaries for one’s well-being were important. These were tears of pure relief.

The problem was that I didn’t like to cry. It made me feel incredibly vulnerable. So I continued to push it down, which then brought me to the point of constantly trying to bury or hide my feelings, which then led me to feel numb and unable to cry when needed.

But working through trauma and arriving at specific points in healing, working on my relationship with Jesus by showing up each day for mental prayer, the pressure became palpable, and the floodgates were opened.

In January, I received some significant healing after a prayer session. After the next 24 hours, I was tired but okay until I wasn’t. The tears started to flow, and I couldn’t stop. I was acutely aware that I was crying in front of everyone, but I couldn’t stop and had no control over the tears. I had to let go, surrender in that moment, and trust in the Lord that He was at work. While He was working like a surgeon on my heart, He had surrounded me with people who loved me through these moments of tears.

Fast-forward to now, and lately, when I attend the Saturday meetings again, I cannot hold back the tears.

So last Thursday, after spending the day or so in tears, crying on the phone to a friend, and leading my small group through a gospel encounter the previous night with a tear-stained face, puffy red eyes, and tears randomly rolling down my face, I sarcastically said to the Lord, “You really like me crying in front of people, don’t you?!” 

I wasn’t expecting the response I received.

The Lord revealed that if I hide my tears and don’t allow others to see my tears and suffering, how will they know that I need prayers?

By hiding my tears, I wasn’t allowing myself to receive the love I needed to continue healing. This created a barrier, a false image, and a perception of control and perfectionism.

It is such a heavy burden to pretend everything is fine constantly.

However, I also realize that tears are not something to be ashamed of. 

It is okay to cry in front of people. 

I now wonder how often I have hidden my tears from my Lord Jesus. How often have I pretended in front of Him that everything was okay when it wasn’t?

By not hiding my tears in the last 24 hours, the Lord showed me how loved I truly am.

After the gospel encounter, I received messages of prayers, support, and love.

My suffering was acknowledged, and I was heard and affirmed.

Again, the Lord has emphasized the importance of community and how important we all are in helping our brothers and sisters heal from their wounds, encouraging and holding their hands on this journey toward healing and holiness. 

I am drenched with love from the Lord, shown through my brothers and sisters. They lift me up and, when necessary, drag me along when I am at my lowest. Through their prayers, they carry me directly to Jesus Christ.

The tears have allowed another mask to be removed, another stripping down to expose wounds that need to be healed.

Tears allow my emotions to be released and cleanse my soul and heart.

I need to cry and allow myself to be loved through these uncomfortable and painful moments. My tears are a necessary prescription given to me by Jesus. They are crucial for my healing. As I continue to grow and heal, I am sure the tears will continue to flow if the Lord has anything to do with it.

Next time, when the tears start to flow, instead of giving the Lord a bit of sarcasm, I will joyfully give Him thanks and praise.

The Lord has me in the palm of His hand.

All is good.

“We must not be ashamed of crying, on the contrary, the saints teach us that tears are a gift, sometimes a grace, a sign of repentance, a liberation of the heart”. - Pope Francis