Jesus has saved me in more ways than one. He heard my cries and called me by name, offering me an invitation I couldn't refuse.

And when evening was come, they brought to him many that were possessed with devils: and he cast out the spirits with his word: and all that were sick he healed: that it might be fulfilled, which was spoken by the prophet Isaias, saying: He took our infirmities, and bore our diseases. - Matthew 8:16-17

I lay in bed, shifting every so often, hoping to find a comfortable position. I pushed back the tears that threatened to spill over and down my cheeks. My muscles and joints were flaring up, and exhaustion added to the frustration. I was in a silent battle within myself as thoughts entered my mind, and those nagging voices persisted in causing thoughts of self-doubt and worthlessness.  Desolation sets in, and I fail to remember my true worth as a daughter of the Lord; instead, memories of rejection and abandonment resurface.

The weight of past trauma suddenly feels consuming, and I feel my body reacting. I am frozen in the past. My body remembers everything I have subconsciously forgotten or buried deep, which has been a heavy burden. A panic sets in, and my stomach is in knots. I feel I am on the verge of having a full-blown panic attack. I begin to slide down into a depression.

For years, I kept circling the drain, fighting chronic health problems and battling with my mental health, always in and out of the hospital on medications that would either numb me, spin me into hyperactivity or cause chronic suicidal ideation.

I was a wreck.

As a child, I was shy and withdrawn. I had a lot of anxiety, which would cause me to vomit. I eventually developed migraines by the age of ten. I struggled to find my voice and discover my place in the world during my teens, and this struggle stayed with me well into adulthood. It was not until my early 40s that I found and accepted my true identity.

At night, the battle always intensified.

I was often wide awake with my thoughts and fear as dark shadows surrounded me. Darkness always frightened me; even as an adult, I slept with a light on. I grew up lacking confidence and walking around on eggshells, aware that people's moods and behaviours could change at any moment. As a young child, I sensed when people were dishonest and withdrew from them. Growing up, I became acutely aware of moments when I was a burden. 

Slowly, over time, the many layers upon layers of abuse started to wear me down and show up as physical symptoms in different areas of my body. When I look back over the years, I can see that my life has been marked by many sharp turns and unexpected potholes.

Though I stumbled and fell during times of hardship, thanks to my faith, I always felt a glimmer of hope.

There were times when my hope was barely a flicker of light, but it was there, and that tiny flicker of light was all the Lord needed to lead me to a place of healing and peace. Finally, physically, mentally and spiritually, I reached a point where there was nothing more to do but to turn to the Lord in desperation and allow Him to take over and heal me.

I did not want to live a life of always surviving, barely keeping my head above water, or, worse, being pulled into the depths of its dark shadows and murkiness, where the enemy waits for any opportunity to pounce. I want to thrive. I want to be the saint the Lord is calling me to be, not just any saint; I want to be a great saint.

In 2020, the Lord led me to a door and extended His hand, inviting me to walk through it.

Once I walked through that door, my first step was establishing a life of daily mental prayer. Mental prayer has been a struggle for me as in my life, I battled immensely with trust and relationships. Through mental prayer, Jesus calls us into a deeper, more intimate relationship with Him, built on faith and trust. He wants us to surrender it all to Him and allow Him to do the necessary work so we can have that authentic relationship with Him.

But past trauma had me pulling back and hiding behind masks that I was not ready to take off yet. I was afraid to be vulnerable, and I was afraid to be rejected. Because of this, I wore many masks and built a solid wall around my heart. One mask I wore until recently was the mask of perfectionism. The thought of anyone seeing my faults terrified me as the critical spirit constantly whispered in my ear and reminded me of all my failures and imperfections. Failure was not an option because it usually meant in the past harsh criticism, punishment and rejection.

Sometimes, I slip up and realise I have put the mask back on out of habit. However, since I have become aware of this, I have acknowledged that it is okay that I am not perfect because God finds my imperfections perfectly imperfect and can work through them all. God can use my imperfections for His will and my healing.

Praise the Lord for these imperfections of mine that confirm how much I truly need Jesus.

As the Lord revealed this to me, a heavy burden was lifted off my shoulders, and I realised that I had been hiding from Jesus for a very long time. My masks were a barrier not just with my relationships with the people around me but also with Jesus.

Perfectionism is a lie and a distortion of the truth.

I had to admit that I wanted to be perfect so that people would love me, but I needed to accept that I am not perfect.

I wanted to be perfect and control how I was seen and heard. But I now know I am not in control; God is.

I thought that if I could control how people see me through perfectionism, I would be loved and accepted without criticism and judgment, and other people wouldn't see my imperfections when they looked at me. I was afraid of people seeing what I saw when I looked in the mirror.

The message I received over the years from various people was that I would never be good enough.

Perfectionism has distracted me from the truth of who I am.

It had turned me into a hollow being. Perfectionism took away my humanity and turned me into something to be admired but not known. I objectified myself without even realising it. I continued to spin this web of illusions until I could not breathe anymore, and even then, I was blind to what was at the heart of the matter.

The Lord has slowly been making this abundantly clear. I even tried to control my time with the Lord. If I couldn't turn up perfectly, then I wouldn't turn up.

Yes, I am a perfectionist. I thought that if I were perfect or at least appeared perfect, I would be worthy enough to be loved, and people would look at me and want to love me. If I wasn't perfect, I thought I wasn't good enough. I felt like a failure.Where I saw my imperfections as a reason not to be loved, God sees my imperfections as a reason to be loved by Him.

Perfectionism is an illusion, a false belief, and a high standard that, on a human level, I can not possibly ever achieve. Claiming my true identity enabled me to remove this mask and be confident in God's love for me. 

Behind the door the Lord invited me to walk through was an unexpected gift I didn't know I needed.

The door led to a faithful community of people who have prayerfully and lovingly accompanied me through some of my most painful moments on this journey. Being surrounded by the community has been necessary for my healing.

Like a mirror, the Lord has often reflected back, through the community, the immense love He has for me.

I struggled immensely at times to receive love from people. My initial reaction was an immediate thought of "Why? What have I done?" that I never said out loud. I couldn't understand why someone would love me. I couldn't understand what I had done that would make them want to love me. This was something I seriously questioned and battled within myself. I was too embarrassed to admit this out loud to anyone. Yet the Lord has placed me in the middle of a community that has poured their love upon me. They loved me before I was even able to love them back. Like Christ, who loved me first, my community loved me first and embraced me through their prayers. 

Writing this brings a flood of emotions. Because of the community, I know that I am loved. Because of the people in the community, I know that God not only loves me but delights in me. The Lord loves me so much that He looked upon the earth with its majestic mountains and deep blue seas and decided that the world couldn't exist without me.

As I allow this to sink in, the tears threaten to spill over. Jesus knew the pain in my heart that I had been carrying around and understood the intense loneliness I had experienced over the years. He knew the abuse I had endured because He had endured the abuse for me. Jesus knew the abandonment and the rejection that I experienced over and over again because He, too, was abandoned and rejected by the people around Him. He knew. 

Jesus knew my pain and knew what I needed. He brought me to a community that reached all corners of the globe, yet the Holy Spirit worked to close the distance and provide me with the needed support and care.

He brought me forth into a broad place; he delivered me, because he delighted in me.

Samuel 22:20

Boundaries have played an essential role in my healing.

I grew up not knowing any boundaries. As an adult, I had no idea what boundaries were. It was a light bulb moment when I realised I could say no and have every right to protect myself from people or situations. I was led to believe that being a good Christian meant that I had to accept how other people treated me. I was taught to be loving; I had to roll over, be trampled upon and then forgive and forget no matter how many times the abuse was repeated. I was constantly told to be the bigger person, even though by being the bigger person, my self-worth was slowly being crushed and torn apart.

I have spent most of my life pleasing people so as not to rock the boat. But I was silently screaming. I was slowly dying inside and struggled to function as a whole person. I constantly received the message that I was not worthy to be valued or cherished and that my well-being did not matter. I believed I had no value unless I pleased the people with these expectations, gave in to manipulation, and continued relationships with harmful people.

I am valuable and worthy of protection.

As Jesus drew me closer to His heart and crowned me with strength and dignity, it became more apparent that steps needed to be taken to protect this new-found identity in Christ.

Sexual, physical, emotional and spiritual abuse had made me vulnerable. It had stripped me down and broken the very core of who I am. It had taken away my sense of dignity and self-worth. My sense of individuality was gone. It had created ties to people who continued to steal my peace and cause me harm. There was an attachment. I wasn't free from these people. I felt like they owned me. The abuse caused a tie that became a permanent attachment that needed to be broken. This attachment was also a hindrance in my spiritual life and my relationship with God.

It shaped my view of God in all the different areas of my life. God became a figure capable of the impossible but whose love I had to earn to be seen and heard. 

It was incredibly hard for me to picture a God who was also a father-like figure. 

But bit by bit, He has been revealing Himself to me. Simultaneously, He has shown how He views me as His beloved daughter. He has done this through the people He has placed around me. If their outpouring of love is anything to go by, God loves me very much, beyond my comprehension. I, for sure, do not deserve love like this. I have done nothing to earn it. And yet He loves me. He loves me through good and holy people. His love is unconditional, merciful, compassionate, and unfailing, often leaving me in tears.

God continued to heal me and pour out His graces upon me. Through prayer and discernment, it became abundantly clear that He was asking me to take the next challenging step so that I could continue to heal and grow.

He asked me to set up boundaries with the people causing me harm. It was agonising, but I knew the Lord desired this for me. I had to surrender to His will and take the first step in breaking relational ties holding me back from healing.

God asked me to close a door and invited me to walk through another.

Boundaries indicate that there is something valuable, something precious to protect. I am valuable and worthy of protection. I am not here to make people comfortable with their feelings at my expense. God has firmly placed gates around Heaven. Jesus did not walk upon this earth to soothe everyone's fragile egos. He made it clear that if we wanted eternal salvation with Him in Heaven, we must obey His Father, pick up our cross and follow Him along the narrow way. 

It wasn't easy, and it felt like something that went against every fibre of my being. It felt uncomfortable because it was different. I was stepping out of my comfort zone.

I was entering into the unknown, where people were free to say no, and their yes was freely and honestly given.

If I am the daughter of The Highest and All Mighty King and I am so precious and loved by this King, who suffered for my transgressions, I am worthy of establishing boundaries to protect what God Himself has placed upon this earth: His precious and beloved daughter, me. 

If boundaries determine the perimeter of where something starts and something ends, boundaries also signify where I begin and end. As a daughter of Christ, I was uniquely made to be an individual, not owned or held in spiritual ties by anyone. God gave us free will to choose Him freely. He does not force Himself upon us. We can then assume that our free will extends to our earthly relationships and to those we determine may have access to us within our lives.

"God wants us to 'preserve our souls.' That is the role of boundaries; they define and preserve our property, our souls."

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, How to Say No to Take Control of Your Life

By Henry Cloud, John Townsend

An invitation

Every moment in my life, good or bad, is an invitation from the Lord. He holds out His hand for me with this offering. It is up to me to give Him my yes and go forth in faith. I take His hand, knowing that the Lord is asking me to trust Him so that He can make me whole again with His merciful love and healing graces.

Viewing these moments of my life from this perspective helps me remain focused on the Lord. I ask Jesus what He wants to reveal to me at this moment.

What wound is He wanting to expose and heal in me?

It has changed my focus so that I am more orientated towards the Lord and not myself. Every moment is an opportunity presented by Jesus to be Healed by Him. It is a moment to open our hearts to the possibilities and the plans God has for us and desires for us to fulfill through Him so that we can be who we are as His beloved children.

When this invitation is offered at any particular moment, I must decide how to respond. If I accept this invitation, my acceptance then calls on me to act upon it. As with any invitation, we do not say yes and then sit back and wait for the party to come to us. Instead, we take the next step, moving forward and preparing ourselves for the event.

How do we prepare ourselves? We attend Mass (every Sunday) and receive the Eucharist as frequently as possible, receive the sacrament of confessions at least once a month, keep to a rule of life, practice daily mental prayer and a daily examination, and find a good, faithful Spiritual Director.

"Earth has no sorrow that Heaven cannot heal."

St. Thomas Moore

Through my journey of healing, there is one lesson I have received that stands out more than others: I am precious and worthy of much more than I have endured. Jesus Christ died for me. For all of us. Our debt has been paid by the spilling of His precious blood. It is done. Finished. We do not have to allow anyone to continue to have us pay for their transgressions against us. We do not owe anyone anything—least of all our God-given free will.

As the Lord slowly peeled layer upon layer of wounds, stripping back all that was a barrier to my flourishing and growth, I began to heal in different areas of my body. My body gradually started letting go and releasing all the trauma that it had held onto for so many years. The more I trusted and surrendered to the Lord, the deeper the healing became. I was finding freedom through God's merciful love. A freedom I never knew. My body felt different. My body felt calm even during challenging moments when I would usually be in a panic. Instead, the space within me that once held the anxiety has now been filled with the Lord's peace.

I no longer fear the dark and all the monsters hidden in its shadows. I now embrace the silence and the stillness as the Lord's light penetrates the darkest corners, sending the slithering monsters scurrying away back to hell.

Chronic pain in my joints and muscles has significantly lessened, and my stomach doesn't react to food or stress as much.

My mental health, in general, is the best that it has ever been. I do not need to rely on any medication, I have stopped relying on alcohol to make me feel good, and I do not battle with chronic suicidal ideation. 

Part of my journey this year has been embracing my true identity, stepping forward in faith, and understanding how my identity and mission given by God are entwined together.

For we are his handiwork, created in Christ Jesus for the good works that God has prepared in advance, that we should live in them. 

Ephesians 2:10

To embrace my identity through Jesus is to embrace my mission and the gifts He has bestowed upon me so that I may carry out my mission of building up the kingdom of God.

He has made me like no other and has called me His.

He has claimed me and desires my soul.

He desires me.

The truth of who I am is found in Him. He has called me to walk in humility and strength, to speak with courage, and to love. He looks at me and delights in what He sees. He, my Father, finds delight in me.

I desire with my whole heart to only be His, to be His daughter and His beloved. God made me with love, through love, and in love. He made me with dignity, strength, and courage.

I am uniquely, unrepeatably, and individually created to glorify Him.

Jesus has saved me in more ways than one. He heard my cries and called me by name, offering me an invitation I couldn't refuse. Jesus claimed me as His beloved daughter, crowned me with dignity and worth, and healed the deepest wounds in my heart. Through healing, He gave me freedom and a purpose. He showed me to whom I belong: He is my beloved, and I am His.

First published at https://www.eileentully.com/blog/all-that-were-sick-he-healed Republished with permission.